Vampires Vs Werewolves Vs Idiots
by Red Witch
Summary: Another day, another crazy argument at the Figgis Agency.


**Someone took the disclaimer saying I don't own any Archer characters. I think it was werewolves. Or was it vampires? Who or whatever. Just some madness from my tiny little mind because there's nothing good on TV.**

 **Vampires Vs Werewolves Vs Idiots **

"See I told you this movie was bitchin'!" Pam whooped as she munched on some popcorn in the bullpen. _"Ultimate Vampire Werewolf Wars Five: Fangs of Fury!"_

Pam, Cheryl, Ray, Cyril, Krieger and Archer were in the bullpen watching a movie on the wall screen. All of them were either drinking or eating popcorn. Mostly drinking.

"I dunno," Ray said as he sat on the couch next to her. "I thought Number Four was pretty good."

"Well I'm not saying _Ultimate Vampire Werewolf Wars Four: Shadows Of The_ _Nightmare_ didn't have its moments," Archer said. "Like that showdown on top of the Eifel Tower. That was pretty cool. But I could have totally done without the gay subplot."

"You can't call something gay because you don't like it!" Cyril snapped.

"I'm not," Archer said. "It actually had a gay subplot. The two male lead vampires finally ended up together."

"Never saw it coming," Krieger admitted as he took a drink.

"Oh please!" Cheryl said. "It was totally coming! I said that Belinda human chick was just too whiny and indecisive. Should I love **this** hunky vampire and brood over him? Or should I love _**that**_ hunky vampire and brood over **him**? No wait! I'll drool over the hot werewolf guy and brood over **him!"**

"I told you," Ray said. "Cassius and Jacobi would get tired of her real fast."

"What I'm tired of is not having any **real work**!" Cyril groaned.

"Until then we have high quality internet pirated movies to keep us entertained," Pam grinned.

"You do realize that downloading movies without permission or payment is **illegal,** right?" Cyril snapped.

"So is almost all the other shit we do around here," Pam gave him a look. "Besides downloading movies is a hell of a lot cheaper than actually going to the movies."

"Not if they catch us and hit us with a huge fine!" Cyril snapped.

"Cyril speaking as someone who actually committed **real piracy,"** Archer scoffed. "With actual boats, I'm pretty sure this is at the bottom of the list of things we could go to jail for. The treason thing obviously would be number one."

"It's still wrong!" Cyril said.

Ray gave Cyril a look. "So is theft, murder, embezzlement, blackmail, vandalism, arson, pornography, illegal genetic experimentation, running a cocaine cartel, arms dealing, running and being part of an illegal spy agency, aiding and abetting other criminals, taking over a country…"

"Again Cyril," Pam snorted. "This is basically the **least** violent crime we've committed since we got here."

"You know if you think about it," Cheryl spoke. "These movies are kind of racist. I mean for all we know real vampires and werewolves aren't like that."

"Okay first of all…" Cyril tried to state the obvious.

"Of course, they're like that!" Pam interrupted. "I mean come on! We have over hundreds of years of evidence supporting it!"

"Hundreds of years of historical fiction…" Cyril corrected.

Pam ignored him as she went on. "And almost all of them warn how dangerous werewolves and vampires are."

"As well as completely fictional," Cyril sighed.

"Uh hello?" Cheryl snapped. "The Lame Stream Media ring a bell? I bet Brahms Stoker was like the Rush Limbaugh of his day."

"Considering that Brahms Stoker was a supporter of the Liberal Party, I highly doubt it," Cyril told her.

"Okay!" Cheryl barked. "John Locke then! Whatever!"

"Yeah it's still racial profiling no matter how you look at it," Archer agreed. "I guess in a way it's like watching and enjoying those old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons. It promotes a negative stereotype. Wow. If I was a vampire or a werewolf I would be pissed."

"Right?" Cheryl asked. "I'd get the ACLU on their ass like pronto."

"Okay let's say for just the hell of it that vampires and werewolves **actually exist** ," Cyril sighed. "If that's true then why the hell doesn't the media report werewolf and vampire attacks?"

"Uh because they don't **know** about it! Duh!" Archer scoffed.

"Seriously, get a clue," Pam agreed.

Cyril gave them a look. "Are you telling me the media, which can figure out what Kim Kardashian has for breakfast each morning…Can't figure if there are werewolf and vampire attacks?"

"That's because there's a huge government conspiracy doofus!" Pam said. "They don't want the public to panic so they cover it up with a fake news story about some guy getting mauled by a bear or stabbed by his ex-girlfriend or whatever."

"And just to be clear about this," Cyril sighed. "I'm assuming you mean that vampires and werewolves in the government are running this conspiracy."

"Wrong again Lone Dicknuts," Pam said. "It's the politicians that are being **paid off** by the vampires and werewolves that pose as an agriculture lobbyists."

"Again, get a clue!" Cheryl snickered.

"And another flaw in your theory," Cyril spoke up. "If a vampire and a werewolf can turn someone into a vampire and/or a werewolf just by biting them, why would they need a cover up? Wouldn't it be easier to just turn half the world into vampires and werewolves then they can just take over the world freely and easily?"

"That's actually a good point," Ray conceded.

"Right?" Cyril said.

"I mean if a vampire bites someone and they become a vampire," Archer thought. "And then that vampire bites some more people and they become vampires…"

"And those vampires make more vampires," Ray said. "Then those vampires make more vampires…"

"And so on, and so on…" Cheryl and Pam said at the same time.

"Maybe there are more slayers running around than we think?" Ray asked.

"Yeah but there can't possibly be that many slayers," Archer said. "And that would only be the vampires. Who would go after the werewolves?"

"Animal control?" Cheryl asked.

"Well if I had to choose obviously, the choice would be vampires," Archer shrugged.

"What?" Ray asked.

"When the vampires do come recruiting it would be crazy to say no," Archer shrugged.

"Why the hell would you **want** to be a vampire?" Ray asked. "More importantly, why would vampires want **you**?"

"Why **not?** " Archer barked.

"Who do you think you are? Count Dick-Ula?" Ray suggested.

"I'm just saying I'm an obvious choice to be a vampire," Archer shrugged. "Think about it. I'm drop dead gorgeous and can seduce pretty much any woman I want. Carol, Pam?"

"Eehhhh…" Both woman admitted with a shrug.

"With my spy training and superior physical skills, I would be a shoo in to be part of the ruling vampire class," Archer went on. "Plus, you party all night and sleep all day. No downside there."

"That does sound a lot like your current lifestyle," Cyril admitted.

"But you'd still be dead!" Ray pointed out.

"Technically Archer should have been dead long before now," Krieger pointed out.

"Dude werewolves are where it's at," Cheryl said. "It's so obvious."

"What?" Archer did a double take. "You're **kidding** me? Why would you want to be a werewolf?"

"Why not?" Ray quipped. "She's already a bitch."

"Hey-O!" Cyril called out.

"Why would you want to be a werewolf?" Archer asked. "Werewolves are dumb beasts that live for violence and don't think whatsoever. Oh, wait I just answered my question."

"It is pretty obvious, isn't it?" Krieger nodded.

"I could probably take you out by just throwing a stick off a cliff," Archer snorted. "Here girl! Get the stick! SPLAT!"

"Uh you can be taken out by a little sunlight and a Number Two pencil!" Cheryl pointed out.

"Plus werewolves can eat pretty much anything they want," Pam pointed out. "While vampires are stuck drinking blood for eternity."

"Please!" Cyril laughed. "Archer practically exists on a liquid diet as it is. All he has to do is add some scotch to his blood and he's all set."

"Yeah!" Archer nodded.

"Plus if you take care of yourself vampires can live forever," Cyril pointed out.

"Uh hello! Undead! Not living!" Pam snapped.

"Well that's just racist," Archer folded his arms.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but I agree with Archer," Cyril admitted.

"About Pam being a racist?" Cheryl asked confused.

"No!" Cyril told her. "I mean about the part of being a vampire. If I had a choice that is."

"Oh yeah," Cheryl laughed. "Like vampires and werewolves would fight to get **you** on their team."

"Hey! I think I'd make a pretty good vampire," Cyril defended.

"Well you are a lousy human being so…" Cheryl added.

"He's a lousy doormat," Pam snorted. "He wouldn't survive his first night!"

"I survived all of you this long!" Cyril snapped. "I think I can survive being a vampire!"

"Please! Knowing your luck, you'd stake **yourself!"** Pam snapped.

"I would **not!** " Cyril snapped. "Anyway, vampires are cooler than werewolves…Lame Talbot!"

"Besides vampires accrue money throughout the centuries," Archer added. "I guess somebody has to invest it so…Yeah. It's logical you'd be a vampire. A vampire accountant but still a vampire."

"You're on **his** side?" Pam was stunned.

"Well it's not Cyril's fault that he has enough sense to know which is the better side," Archer snapped.

"In what universe are vampires better than werewolves?" Pam snapped.

"In uh, like **every single one**!" Cyril snapped.

"Duh!" Archer barked.

"You are crazy!" Pam said. "I'd rather be a werewolf than a vampire any day!"

"Plus, free fur coats!" Cheryl spoke up.

"Yeah!" Pam agreed. "Ms. Archer would die of jealousy."

"Okay Ray you're the tiebreaker," Archer looked at Ray. "Which would you rather be? Vampire or werewolf?"

"Yeah!" Pam said.

"Why am I not the tiebreaker?" Krieger asked.

"Because you have a history of indecisiveness in situations like this," Cyril gave him a look.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Krieger asked.

"Krieger you know it's true," Pam gave him a look. "Remember the mutant cheeseburger pizza incident?"

"Okay calling it a mutant cheeseburger pizza is a gross misnomer!" Krieger snapped. "That pizza **wasn't** alive nor was it radioactive! It was just a regular extra-large pizza with huge amounts of hamburger meat on it. As well as tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, onions, bacon and special sauce."

"Yeah but the entire office had heartburn and diarrhea for a week after eating that!" Archer snapped.

"Agent Carson **died** after eating that," Ray remembered. "I mean the cholesterol in that thing gave him a heart attack."

"Again, not my fault!" Krieger said. "I specifically told everyone to only have **one slice!** Agent Carson had **three!** Even Pam only had one! **"**

"That's because I was also chowing down on the nachos, a bucket of chicken wings and those mini hot dog appetizers," Pam told him. "But yeah…Ugh."

"What the hell was in that special sauce?" Ray asked. "I swear I was hallucinating weird little anime monsters for three days."

"You saw them **too?** " Archer was stunned. "Oh thank God it wasn't just me. I thought I was having a brain aneurism."

"I might have accidentally put in a tiny bit of LSD in the sauce," Krieger admitted.

"That explains why some people thought they could fly after they ate it," Pam realized. "Man, there was a lot of paperwork after that party. Mostly medical forms. And some death benefit forms."

"Our point is Krieger you aren't exactly the most decisive person we know," Archer said. "So Ray which would you rather be? Team Bad Ass Vampire? Or Team Hairy Bitch?"

"Guys I'm already a cyborg," Ray snapped. "I'm kind of **already** crossed over to the other side if you think about it."

"But if you're a cyborg werewolf you can be an Alpha!" Pam pointed out.

"No, if you're a cyborg vampire you'd be pretty much unstoppable," Archer said. "And way more powerful."

"You **want** me to be a cyborg vampire?" Ray snapped. "You tried to kill me in order to prevent me from being a cyborg in the first place! Now you want me to be a _cyborg vampire?"_

"Oh," Archer realized. "Good point."

"Look if I had to choose," Ray said. "If there was really no other choice than for me to turn into something…I'd be a merman."

"That's not even one of the choices!" Cyril snapped.

"I don't care," Ray snapped. "I want to swim around all wild and free. And seduce cute sailors."

"So you want to be a reverse Ariel?" Archer snorted. "Ray wants to be a Disney Princess. Shocker."

"You know…?" Ray gave him a look.

"Well it would solve his leg problem I gotta admit," Cheryl shrugged. "Still…"

"If I had a choice I'd rather be a merman," Ray admitted. "But not literally Krieger!"

"I **know**! We've had this conversation **before!** " Krieger rolled his eyes. "I get the message!"

" **Do** you?" Ray sighed.

"Ray it's either Team Vampire or Team Werewolf and that's the only choice **you get!"** Archer barked.

"Says **who?** " Ray challenged.

"Says common freaking sense!" Archer snapped.

"If Ray wants to be a cyborg merman **let him**!" Pam snapped. "Who are you to impose labels?"

"Yeah!" Krieger snapped. "And why do you have to choose between vampire and werewolf? Why can't there be a vampire werewolf? Or a werewolf vampire? That's what I'd be."

"Oh god no," Archer groaned.

"That is just **stupid**!" Cyril snapped.

"What he said!" Archer agreed.

"You're on _his side_?" Pam snapped.

"There's no such thing as a vampire werewolf or a werewolf vampire, Pam!" Cyril said. "It's either one or the other. Take your pick!"

"Well what difference does it make which side you choose?" Krieger snapped. "Because we all no matter what we pick the humans are just going to hunt us down and try and kill us anyway!"

"Oh my God I forgot about the humans," Cyril blinked.

"Yeah most of them aren't gonna be like Bella Swan," Pam nodded. "Their first instinct is going to blow us up to shit."

"If they don't already destroy the planet with their bombs and global warming," Cyril added. "There won't be that many places on Earth to hide. Well if global warming is really bad not on land anyway."

"Suddenly being a merman now doesn't seem so stupid now does it?" Ray folded his arms.

"Okay Ray I apologize for that," Archer said. "I did not factor in the global warming or making it easier to hide from humans. In retrospect merman does seem a little more farsighted."

"Just saying," Ray shrugged.

"Okay so we have to get the humans before they get to us first!" Cheryl said. "Which is what I've been saying all these centuries! I told you we should have let the Black Plague wipe them out!"

"Are you sure we can't try diplomacy?" Cyril asked. Everyone groaned. "Well it's just a suggestion!"

"Yeah good luck with **that!** " Ray snorted.

"Did diplomacy help the Native Americans?" Archer snapped. "The Incas? The Jews? People from Africa? The Australian Pygmies? And basically, every other extinct and oppressed people there ever were? Spoiler alert! It **didn't!** "

"Which is why we have to wipe them out **now!** " Cheryl shouted.

"Wipe who out now?" Lana sighed as she walked in. "Have you guys been eating something Krieger made again and seeing hallucinations?"

"Lana, you need to tell Archer that the best way to fight the human wars is for everybody to become werewolves!" Pam said.

"No," Archer gave Pam a look. "The best defense against human oppression is to become vampires! Plus vampires are cooler."

"Are not!" Cheryl snapped.

"Are too!" Cyril snapped back.

"Ugh! Not this argument **again!** " Lana groaned. "This is just basically a repeat of our Super Bowl Party Fight!"

FLASHBACK!

A long time ago at a certain spy agency far away in New York…

Everyone was sitting around in the break room wearing colorful sweaters with team logos on them. And there was a fight going on. But it had nothing to do with football.

"Vampires!" Archer and Cyril shouted.

"Werewolves!" Pam and Cheryl shouted.

"Vampires!" Several other agents shouted.

"Werewolves!" Several other-other agents shouted.

"Merman!" Ray called out.

"Why can't we be **both**?" Krieger called out.

"Krieger, Ray stop being idiots and pick a damn side!" Archer snapped.

"Guys I don't feel so good," A tall brown haired agent wearing a green sweater staggered across the room.

"I told you not to eat more than one slice Carson!" Krieger said.

"Werewolves!" Cheryl shouted.

"VAMPIRES!" Archer shouted.

"Paramedics…" Agent Carson moaned.

"That's not even a choice!" Archer snapped.

WHAM!

"Oh you mean **call** the paramedics," Archer said as Agent Carson passed out. "Sorry I got confused."

"He really shouldn't have had those extra slices of pizza," A large cartoon black cat with big eyes and a top hat sat next to Archer.

"He really shouldn't have Mr. Toki Kitty," Archer nodded.

"Who is he talking to?" Cheryl blinked.

"I have absolutely no idea," A pink cartoon bear with wings floated next to her. "He's crazy."

"That he is Angel Beary-Bear," Cheryl nodded.

"Hey after the game let's go out and set fire to the trashcans outside," Angel Beary-Bear suggested.

"Good idea!" Cheryl grinned.

"Yay! Arson!" Angel Beary-Bear cheered.

FLASHFORWARD!

"So, we've had this argument **before?** " Archer blinked. "How come I don't remember that?" He then took a long drink out of a scotch bottle.

Ray gave him a hard look. "It's a mystery to me."

"I don't remember that either," Cheryl blinked.

"Considering you have the memory span of Dory after eating LSD…" Pam said. "But yeah that was a little fuzzy as well. Krieger, are you sure you didn't put anything else in that special sauce?"

"Well…" Krieger began.

"Never mind," Pam sighed. "Okay Lana you're the tiebreaker now."

"I've told you this before Pam," Lana sighed. "I am **not** picking sides in the werewolf vampire debate."

"Why not?" Archer barked.

"Because it's **stupid**!" Lana shouted.

"You're stupid!" Cheryl shouted.

"Says the woman who once thought she was an _actual werewolf,"_ Archer snapped.

"That was a mistake," Cheryl told him,

"Said your parents," Cyril quipped. "Hey-O!"

"Good one!" Archer laughed as he took a drink.

"Said **your** parents!" Pam snapped. "And Ms. Archer!"

"HEY!" Archer and Cyril protested.

"Lana get on Team Vampire," Archer said. "We have parties."

"Team Werewolf has better ones," Pam challenged.

"Do not!" Archer snapped.

"Do too!" Pam snapped.

"Do not!" Archer and Cyril shouted.

"Do too!" Pam and Cheryl shouted.

"VAMPIRES!" Archer and Cyril shouted.

"WEREWOLVES!" Pam and Cheryl shouted.

"VAMPIRES!"

"WEREWOLVES!"

"VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES!" Krieger shouted. "Come on! Who wants to create an unholy mutation of the supernatural? I do!"

"VAMPIRES!"

"WEREWOLVES!"

"VAMPIRES!"

"WEREWOLVES!"

"Fine! You guys be werewolves and vampires!" Ray snapped. "I'll be a merman and get all the hot sailors I want! And when climate change happens and you can get beachfront property in **Cleveland** don't come crying to me!"

"VAMPIRES!"

"WEREWOLVES!"

" **SHUT UP!"** Mallory stormed in. "God you're having this stupid Super Bowl argument **again**? Haven't enough people died from this?"

"Technically the deaths were due to Krieger's LSD covered pizza," Lana corrected.

"Is **that** what was in that special sauce?" Mallory did a double take.

"Ehhh," Krieger admitted with a shrug.

" **This** is why we stopped having Super Bowl parties," Mallory growled. "Well that and letting Krieger cook."

"And how exactly did an argument about werewolves and vampires at a Super Bowl party get started in the **first place**?" Lana asked.

"They're not team mascots?" Mallory asked.

"No," Lana told her.

"Oh," Mallory said. "I thought they were. And people were arguing because they liked the teams better."

"There are no vampires or werewolves as mascots on any professional football team," Lana said.

"It would be awesome if there were," Krieger said.

"Well now this argument makes less sense than ever," Mallory grumbled. "Something I thought was impossible."

"Again, how did this argument get started in the _first place_?" Lana asked. "And I am referring to the first time back at the Super Bowl party."

"There was this commercial with vampires and werewolves," Pam explained. "I think it was about beer."

"They usually are about beer," Cyril admitted.

"So, this all started over **alcohol?** " Lana asked. "What a shock."

"What commercial was that?" Krieger asked.

"I think it was Glengoolie Cold Brew," Archer said. "Remember Glengoolie did that experiment with beer. Which failed. Which is a shame because the beer wasn't half bad."

"No, it wasn't," Pam said. "It was for Hudsmarter Beer."

"No, it was Glengoolie Cold Brew," Archer said.

"Hudsmarter," Pam shook her head.

"Pam trust me," Archer laughed. "It was for Glengoolie Cold Brew."

"Archer, trust **me,** " Pam told him. "It was Hudsmarter."

"Pam I know my outdated extinct beer commercials," Archer snapped. "It was Glengoolie Cold Brew."

"So do I and it was definitely Hudsmarter," Pam said.

"I think Archer's right," Cyril said. "I definitely remember a wolf of some kind in a Glengoolie Cold Brew commercial."

"That was a husky!" Cheryl snapped. "It was Hudsmarter. I should know, my company invested in that disaster. I think."

"You **don't,** " Archer snapped. "That's why I don't believe you."

"It was Hudsmarter," Pam said exasperated. "Remember it closed down with the incident with the president of the company going crazy and killing one of his vice presidents and trying to stuff him in a tank of beer?"

"No, it was Glengoolie Cold Brew!" Cyril snapped. "I specifically remember hearing about all those people dying in that explosion!"

"This isn't about who died where," Pam snapped. "This is about the commercial! And the commercial with vampires and werewolves was for Hudsmarter."

"No, it wasn't!" Archer snapped. "It was for Glengoolie Cold Brew. Ray, Krieger tell her!"

"I wish I saw that commercial but I was too busy making pizza," Krieger blinked.

"Actually, I thought it was for Fishtail Beer," Ray admitted. "But then again I wasn't exactly paying attention to the screen…"

"Oh, that's right," Krieger said. "That's when you were dating that new guy from Data Intel."

"Until I found out he was married," Ray grumbled.

"You two are no help whatsoever," Archer grumbled. "It was Glengoolie Cold Brew!"

"Hudsmarter!" Pam snapped.

"Glengoolie Cold Brew!" Archer and Cyril shouted.

"Hudsmarter!" Pam and Cheryl shouted.

"GLENGOOLIE COLD BREW!"

"HUDSMARTER!"

"So what happened to that guy you were dating?" Krieger asked Ray.

"Oh I framed him for stealing secrets," Ray waved.

"GLENGOOLIE COLD BREW!"

"HUDSMARTER!"

"And?" Lana asked.

"I framed him for stealing secrets," Ray gave her a look. "End of story."

"GLENGOOLIE COLD BREW!"

"HUDSMARTER!"

"Is that the guy I threw in the trash compactor?" Mallory asked.

"GLENGOOLIE COLD BREW!"

"HUDSMARTER!"

"No, you used the same elevator trick you used on the cleaning staff," Ray told her.

"That's horrible!" Lana gasped.

"Not really," Ray shrugged. "His wife wanted a divorce anyway and gave me a cut of the insurance."

"GLENGOOLIE COLD BREW!"

"HUDSMARTER!"

"Wait a minute," Mallory asked. "Wasn't he the same idiot that spilled his soda on my mink sable?"

"That's the one," Ray nodded. "He did that on his own."

"Well it's not like he wasn't going to get killed anyway," Mallory shrugged.

"GLENGOOLIE COLD BREW!"

"HUDSMARTER!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Lana shouted. "WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT A STUPID COMMERICAL ANYWAY?"

"Well obviously we do," Cheryl added.

"Just shut up!" Mallory snapped. "All of you! I don't want to hear any more nonsense about werewolves, vampires or beer again! YOU **HEAR** ME? No more downloaded movies! Just get back to work!" She then stormed out.

"Aww," Cheryl frowned. "I wanted this to end in a brawl."

"Maybe next time hon," Ray sighed.

"You think?" Cheryl asked cheerfully.

"And just so you know, the ultimate supernatural creature to be is **a witch**!" Mallory shouted as she stuck her head back in.

"You would know," Cheryl snorted.

"It's common knowledge that witches are at the top of the magical food chain," Mallory said. "Unless of course that global warming thing turns really bad. Then you're better off as some kind of mermaid or something."

"See?" Ray looked at Archer.

"Witches beat out **both** vampires and werewolves!" Mallory shouted in frustration. "They can actually **create** vampires and werewolves with the right spell! Everybody **knows** this! I can't believe I have to keep **explaining** it to you people!"

"She's right," Pam said. "I forgot about that."

"What about the commercial?" Archer asked.

"FORGET ABOUT THE DAMN COMMERICAL!" Mallory shouted. "GET BACK TO WORK!"

"Vampires and werewolves my ass!" Mallory grumbled as she walked away. "I can't believe I have to explain witches are superior to these idiots! I just can't…Can't take it anymore. I just can't take it anymore. I have to explain **everything** to them! Of course, you have to explain everything Mallory. They're idiots. Complete and total idiots! You're right Mallory. They are all…"

"Oh God…" Mallory realized. "Is this how **Barry** started? Honestly that explains a lot."


End file.
